welcome to the second half of this real-life tale of lunacy some being tortured drugged sexually assaulted and imprisoned was not enough they might belong to people who could not accept that I was deeply traumatized and who expected me to act as though nothing had happened yes even therapists were that atrocious in fact that's my first example spill Ian's oh they were oh you're a hummingbird man I'll give you a few examples of people being atrociously not long after that happened what was someone from the Counseling Center I would do I told her what happened she said literally you were tortured two whole months ago it's in the past you have no right to feel that way move on and you may be surprised how many people I told that to and they said that those words as she was angrily shouting and more constructive and helpful advice that I should the other example share here is well we'll call her mrs.
Slumberland okay kind of appropriate here on a few levels whose son I'll call dawn sunny sometimes sexually touched you the ad council meetings yeah great guy so maybe I shouldn't have expected much from her but I was at her house with Bill and Dawn and I was troubled by the headache and the numbness resulting from this trauma all explain that shortly and I told her about it and started to explain what happened and she said oh my both dr. vinegar and I went on and on for minutes about what happened and she interjected with commas as though she had a crush on dr. vinegar and then bill was budding don't tell her negative things about dr. Brennan group stop being negative so I told her everything I could try to get her to see him been in her for what he did to me and she said I'm sorry you had such a bad experience but I still like you yeah well what can I do I wouldn't be surprised if it was because he's your only source of hot action years and I don't remember what Don said but bill was all over my case about how old mrs.
Slumberland obviously liked dr. Menninger announcement obviously trying to ruin them and defame poor dr. vinegar and take former mrs. Slumberland positive emotions away from her oh dear negativity seriously I'm sorry some of the other reactions I got most people that have suggested that I write a book about this and when I started my first blog two years later I wrote about it although I didn't like include everything because bill was telling me how much I needed to feel ashamed of what happened to me don't let these people know I don't know I deserve it don't know I'm so weak that I can't pretend it they feel compelled to acknowledge that it happened because I interests see probably the most shocking reactions I've gotten are long lines of to bed you remember what happened to you or even you should have taken the drugs willingly and not have had the caffeine so that you would never know the kinds of things that they would do to you okay so if you ever get gang-raped you would prefer they gave you drugs so that you couldn't remember or tell the police or doctors what happened to you and they would always be a mystery whatever floats your boat and yeah I actually that was their response was yes so yeah deep down that's what bill seemed to want the next time I visited him when he got back to Ohio State University where he lived with his old friends Don and Mason and another guy who met at college I frequently spent time with them and considered them friends even Donald sort of so imagine how shocking it was that none of them even knew about it that would be like if Bill got in a horrible accident and while he was in the hospital my mom asks me how he's doing and I say fine this way you wouldn't have had to have said to them if they ask about me and Bill said that he didn't tell them because it was my business I saw I said oh I see so it's my business to tell them and proceeded to do so and he said no required if that's your business and after much fighting what he meant by that was that needed to feel so embarrassed and humiliated about the whole disaster that I would decide to do the mature thing in just a very adult-like people like enough to never mention it to anyone unless they were paid to listen to it and my new psychologists at the Cleveland Clinic didn't seem to care about what happened so I stopped going to him through all this you can guess that I believed for some time that this all was my fault even though I didn't and still don't feel any real continuity with the me who went into it it feels like all my memories from before that have been only started existing after it after it happened like they are from the parallel weird Bank timeline it's hard to explain anyway how did I build some semblance of reality oh well the only thing this new self to clearly remember of normal if while in the mental institution you shouldn't call it normal um was that I'd spent two weeks in a mental institution when I was 11 saying I was in like the same environment so I remembered being in the same thing so because my school counselor got me to lie I was always telling her about my dad was always making up reasons to scream at me and beat the snot out of me and just like all the other staff she said well he only does that because she loves you you can tell because he keeps his hand open when he hits you yeah more bruises and welts the more he loves me so this counselor mrs.
Groh miss Croner told me that he was to sexually molest today I said that he wasn't then I was lying so the only way that I could admit the truth was to say that he was but I don't think he had tried anything like that at all until later so I had to completely make things up so I told lies about my dad sexually abusing me because she told me that was the only honest answer and then she told my dad so based on the meetings in incoherent rants he must have loved me more than ever so I was being held prisoner and 11 years old with only a brick wall to see two feet outside of the window and being forced to take antipsychotics or else I wouldn't get any food and why antipsychotics excellent question my dad would go around telling everyone that I was crazy literally walk around the neighborhood and knock on people's doors and just start telling them that me and my mom were part of this plot to kill him always telling the people at school that I was violent and dangerous and wanted to have sex with men his age and snort cocaine plus he was clearly insane so maybe its genetic so institutional use and gas line have been going on from the beginning if that's all my newly accumulated identity was able to remember and its introduction into the rest of the world was extremely imprudent especially since I didn't stop taking the antipsychotics right away like the eleven-year-old himself didn't smartly so that six months of the scariest stuff that are not being able to control what I was doing or saying or thinking or feeling and it was getting more and more destructive and my mom and Bill or treating me like crap because of that I thought I needed to take the drugs because I couldn't remember who I was so I stopped taking it days later it started to feel better I felt free of that drugs effects after two weeks or so and I felt relatively clear headed for the first time since dr.
Managers office all of the horror movie like side effects completely vanished I was ready to fight in case mom or Bill pulling to keep taking it now they had been viciously attacking me from these side of things when I said that I had stopped taking it they both have this huge sigh of relief oh we're so glad you finally figured out that the horrible medication was destroying your brain we were so worried watching you this past six months getting worse and worse we were so afraid we're going to have to sit idly by and watch you turn into your dad and just keep attacking you everyday because you can't trouble yourself and just never telling that we think it's the medication because we don't want to hurt your feelings oh god forbid unfortunately by that time I was dealing with what they call conversion disorder which is where stress medicines manifests itself as a disability really look it up some people go blind some go deaf some have seizures some are paralyzed in some way and for me it was known this I couldn't feel very as a person my body yes that that was my fun flavor for me it was Nona's it started out as one small spot on my tongue and one spot on my genitals I guess because they touched me there dr.
Madro Leah said it might be the medication but it kept getting worse when my stress levels spiked him then over another week would improve until my mom's boyfriend turned on this reality show where it showed people getting plastic surgery and I was so panicked and not in control my faculty said all that I couldn't move so though I told him I was paralyzed with flashbacks get that stuff off the TV now his he refused on the grounds that there was nothing else on and I've fought with him for several minutes until suddenly my lips my tongue my fingertips all the sensitive parts of my body went numb especially right where something is touching something analyst order frequently touches something both of my eyeballs went numb right in the middle the bottoms of my feet were also affected so it was even more difficult to keep my balance than ever not to mention having even a one person sex life was extremely difficult and that numbness lasted for nine years yes as I mentioned before until I meant some darn good and the therapists people who know something about changing what people are able to proceed able to perceive one of them who's whose nickname is doctor he's not he he gets like extra air quotes because he's not even pretending to be a doctor he showed me how to control the feeling in my body I was able to make it come back and I learned how to change and rearrange my own mind in the sense of self yes that was like a huge deal and yes I employ heard it all over the Internet so I'm blaring it more unfortunately right after that I had to contend with a really horrendous situation for the next few years so it was a tug of war between healing and then back slamming and then I had to learn even more and more which is why I wanted to do a science and skepticism podcasts that have incorporated all this stuff that I was learning but at the same time it was not nearly enough to keep me out of danger or even to make me aware of the chronic pain from the neck down which was siphoning off most of my brain power luckily dr.
Hypno also had a lot of experience as a personal trainer and he was the first person who told me that I had some serious gait and posture problems he showed me what comes of physical therapy to do when after three years in autumn of 2015 I finally started to understand that I really was in pain because I noticed it finally started to go away though I spent three years in close communication with him and other hypnotists and didn't even consider that I needed pain relief I couldn't have gotten it very easily through suggestion and it didn't that was also when I started realizing how messed up my body actually was basically massive changes had occurred and I still have a long way to go now I'm not constantly cringing in pain and falling over the inside of my head is an entirely different world finally all that stuff I learned about that world is catching up to me it makes so much more sense so I'm going to make videos about it and now it seems like an especially good time to start as though the gaslighting couldn't get any more extreme there's a few more important bridging parts and wrapping up of loose ends which still astonish me to this day now I'm living out all the crazy medication oriented stuff that's another story but in 2004 I wound up being re-traumatized in a hospital because of one of the medications it was actually driving to this hospital inaccurate and bizarrely the entire way there I was really worried about having a seizure and crashing which is weird because I've never had a seizure before I arrived at the hospital to see a new psychologist by the waiting room I went into the bathroom again it was really worrying about having a seizure and later when I came back out of thinking that I was probably home free for the appointment I immediately had a full-blown grand mal seizure from the first and only time in my life at least they didn't pee on myself again and wasn't seriously injured unfortunately by the time I recovered from the seizure they had this IV in my arm and well I spent the next two days barely conscious peeing on myself anyway having dr.
Ben endure flashbacks and sometimes believing that I was back in the mental hospital I remember screaming in pain because the IV was painful and begging to know what was in it but no one would tell me I even threatened the nurse that I would take it out and she said that if I did that then we just put it back in and strap down my arm so I couldn't pull it back out it was like some weird torture chamber and I was so afraid that I couldn't eat after getting an EEG and my second and MRI in a few months they managed to determine what I've been telling them was likely the case that it was the medication and and if they didn't let me go I wouldn't be only daughter builds college graduation and I didn't make it to the graduation ceremony in Columbus where it finally occurred to me to peel the electrodes from the ER off my chest for which I was made fun of and though I wanted to stop taking wellbutrin which was what had caused the seizure but dr.
Madro Latos insisted that I increase the dose and take two more types of medication with it the anti-seizure meds depakote which sent me to a hospital later on and the other one temporarily screwed up my hearing and vision so badly I couldn't drive at night bill once had the most brilliant strategy of convincing himself that not only were these vision problems imaginary but that the fact that my car with him in it was careening from one sidewall on the highway to the opposing one was not even happening he simply turned around in his seats talking to whomever was in the back seat and no matter how much I begged him to take the wheel and help me get off the road he just kept saying in that stupid voice that he would use don't be silly when having any danger he would seriously talk to me like that and he would have just seen how wrong he was if he'd only turn around instead the insisting you truck just [ __ ] stop being paranoid and later on after saying that he would drive back tried to force me to drive anyway and then became worried for my sanity because I said hey I'm being serious this is an accident waiting to happen by the way you're welcome guys and that's for the psychologists at the hospital I was understandably traumatized by the two days I spent there during which time I was not allowed to see her I wanted to meet her but was ironically too traumatized to go back for trauma counseling I never did go back which Ben said was negative and a sign that I didn't want to get better he still gave me crap about it even after he got a job at Boeing in Everett Washington and I moved all the way out there here to be with him about a year after the vendor incident why the hell did I Drive thousands of miles to be with that guy well I literally did not know anybody else did not really go to school until college later never really met any money to compare him with until after I got here but now let's just say I'm really glad to be here now [Music] as for vinegar he never really got in trouble for this I even wrote a one-page letter to the American Dental Association they wrote back saying thanks for your input we're going to put your letter in a file and destroy it in one parentheses numeral one year and although I never called the police I almost told them after loudly and agonizingly screaming from a combination of fighting with my mom to stop triggering me already and the serious physical pain yes and under the abilify and the flashbacks and you know all of that stuff and it alerted the neighbors to call the police the police came to the door but my mom and her boyfriend came up behind me and I was trying to tell them what I was experiencing flashbacks from but I was shaking and stubborn and I felt as though if they could understand me they would laugh at me and then her boyfriend very dismissively said something happened but she's okay now or something to that effect one caught in the act of exploding and I was leaning so far forward I couldn't speak at all I couldn't get any words out my mom on the other hand could not wait to get back to bed the hell with my silly little trying to make a police report she told me this recently even that the reason she didn't try to help me was because she was really tired and wanted to go back to sleep and as though somehow that excuses it not to mention I remember many times when I was crying at night because of the flashbacks and my mom would come into the room and say you're keeping me would be quiet my mom also recently revealed to me how she rationalized her violently preventing me from calling the police and threatening me about it she said that oh I probably just did that because I didn't think the police would be able to help and that was just after it happened I remember bleeding on the floor in agony and she wrestled the cordless phone out of my hand and it snapped open and she started screaming like oh and she kept screaming until I snapped it back together pull the poor phone as for me and want the staff in the mental hospital to wash my clothing because I considered it to be crime scene evidence but they did anyway and I hung onto those clothes carpenters khakis a grey shirt and a long black sweater jacket all with the outlines of bloodstains for years until I was convinced that it didn't matter anymore and it was extremely triggering to even look at these clothing so I threw them away but I'm sure my medical records are full of interesting evidence that should bear me out pretty well and well if I'm able to obtain them anyway and I actually called the police in Ohio recently they said they called me back but as far as I could tell nobody did so I will call them again this videos out I know that Ben endure has done terrible things to other people because they told me or I heard about it even dr.
Shuren Poveglia admitted that when he told me he would no longer be sending patients to Ben inker at that time I told my mom and Bill that if I reported him to the police I could help those other people too and prevent him from hurting more people and they said no you're just trying to prove that you're a hero it's not your business and dr. ben endure molest and abuses and tortures other people that's their business calling the police only confirms that you are selfish irrational and possibly psychotic so you may need to go back to the mental hospital if you call the police although I didn't call the police I called every lawyer in the medina phonebook I didn't understand why they kept refusing to help me until the last one said I don't understand what their problem is and I said well they drugged me and tortured me with sharp instruments and touch my genitals and then they abused me in the mental institution surely somebody can be sued for something and he said but I don't understand do you have the scar of your face then I said I'm pretty deeply emotionally scarred but my face and he said then you don't have a case let's wait a minute to that what happened to me was not even as serious as serious as getting a small wound that leads to scar I also wrote the newspaper who medina gazette but they didn't write back i thought that they probably didn't think that what happened to me was newsworthy maybe bill was right why would anyone care about what happened to me and even though we got away with it do you think that my mom actually paid doctor been injure and those other people two thousand dollars for torturing and sexually abusing and drugging her own daughter and leading to the mental hospital and then when the mental hospital sent the bills do you think she paid them right away for all that trauma and grand washing oh yes she did I know she did because I caught her in the act both times writing checks for thousands of dollars for what those people did to me I remember saying and in both cases she was so dissociated that she was talking to herself so much I could not even get a word in edgewise at one point I remember she looked up from the conversation with herself and said oh honey it's fine and just then just started waving her hand it's every time I tried to speak so she wouldn't even listen and she would show me out like this all the time and I would say who are you talking to in your head that is more important than me obviously she was locked into the ultimate hamster wheel of denial and seemed incapable of listening to me at all I could hear her brain spinning it's ego but I couldn't understand the BS coming out of her mouth years later I asked her why she paid those bills and she said that she had no idea that she'd done that which is not surprising because she refused to admit what she was doing while she was doing it and while he clearly in a very low state of consciousness her goal over time to deal with this stuff it seems to be to forget everything that she can't deal with happening or feeling responsible for and in order to do that she treated me like I was contaminated she didn't deny what happened but she acted as though the suffering it brought on me was nothing compared to what she she was going through and even more shockingly yes it is possible her boyfriend who drove me to the ER after the vinegar incident and drove my mom to visit me in the mental hospital twice and drove up to get my car after I had a seizure and in fact lived in the house with us for that entire I was apparently never told what happened to me he refused to listen when I tried to tell them unless he's listening now and as far as good old doctors Schirripa my dentist whose office had previously referred people out only to doctor been injured well he said that he stopped sending anyone to vinegar ever again so at least I was able to help the people that went to dr.
Shiriki okay so there's that but later on sure it was said that he doubted that vinegar actually changed my consent form so I could never speak to him again I go to my current dentist partly because he's the first one who has ever said I am so sorry that happened to you is there anything we can do to make you feel more comfortable before that the dentist I went to didn't want to acknowledge even what I was telling them thanks dr. Dunham for responding in a professional manner how about other things and being a full person it goes a long way as for Bill he told me that the reason that he didn't protect me from dr.
Brennan here was my fault you see I didn't scream loudly enough and if I extremely more loudly he would have heard me and done something but since he didn't hear anything he was blissfully unaware so he's innocent you see and besides if he were me he would never think about this incident ever happening is negative and if I publish this story this video this ya see no one would be interested because it is so full of negativity that nobody would ever want to think about it and I would say to him but what about all those busted movies about people who are in the Holocaust or some disaster befell them I'm bill would say well that's because of those situations and people are important but you and what happened to you are not so nobody would care enough to tolerate hearing this story of negativity because it's so repulsively negative is negative like this green magnum the purple ones positive see haha and the green one is repulsive ah so he's married to a woman he actually met back in 2005 I guess she was positive enough for him back in 2005 he told me that if I left him that he couldn't ever imagine being happy again even though we agreed to never have sex ever with one another however that's supposed to work a pair of hands the several close friends he does a lot of really exciting outdoor – these has a few CDs up a long-term career after he did this to me after he kept me from seeing that I was physically disabled and in pain by making fun of the way I moved or saying it was sexy I don't have the things in life then he has partly because he got slighted me for so many years but again I would not trade all my experiences and all that I've learned discovered about my own headspace in the past few years for any of that no I would much rather just sit here you know doing doing my negativity dance yes then they took these shuffles this is what happens this is what happens when you get to negative you start like your body starts doing weird fast arounds uncontrollably okay one more thing how does my memories in 2016 compared with the four part walk series from 2005 let's find out since I hadn't read it at all in many years I decided to just write down my account from memory on paper because it was physically easier than typing for time being that way I can compare my memory from 2016 with the memory and the notes that I worked with in 2005 and I I later read the blog posts and was amazed at how factually consistent they were I do remember purposely leaving out the part where they pulled down my pants and dr.
Vinegars office because of some things that bill said to the effect of that it sounded crazy I also didn't go very much into the identity erasure thing because it seemed crazy I didn't understand and I still don't really understand exactly how what caused it and I was still in mourning over this lost self which also seems pretty crazy so I didn't dare go into very much detail as far as that one it was just I just was too confused I just yeah and there was a couple other things like the fact but I'd have had caffeine and a few incidents who are I just completely glossed over the detail heartily because I didn't understand that it wasn't my fault or felt too embarrassed or rushed even now on the other hand most of the detail is stunning there is yes the gory details of the surgery a blow-by-blow account of almost everything things that I didn't get into here that is spanning only the whole 12 days um including like medical symptoms medication affects behavior of the schizophrenic like yeah and how I was conditioned to think that I was one of them and how I had to pretend that the vinegar thing didn't even happen in order to get out I also used notes that I took or I was temporarily unable to see so that there's there's actual single person dialogue that just really just very strange even more disturbing details yeah however this video goes into a lot more detail on why I thought dr.
Vinegars office was a creamy place and when you take that into consideration but then the whole fear at the beginning of the post makes even more sense but at the time I was told that my feelings about that stuff or just paranoia that explains why I was so afraid two days before the appointment that Willy I was stressed and afraid right and well it wasn't just the 12 days it was 14 days and Bill the day before the appointment took me out to lunch so I decided to get something full of fiber so I ordered chili because I thought all chili it means and I was amazed fine no so explain this to bill he said he said you should have known that what happened and cause a scene saying that I have said the person who had made the chili and it's anyway to assuage their feelings I had salad anyway that is why I was worried that the appointment devotes that's why I don't know because that certainly would have cause to see I knew full well at the time that my gut was literally warning me but instead I listened to Bill we said you're just being paranoid so oh by the way when I was writing the blog posts I was afraid like during that time I was living with Bill on I was afraid to cut my hair because he forbidden me to and that's how much I was under his control and I was writing a science while I can I fancied myself critically thinking and whatnot just arguing with him would just really not understanding that much like any con artists they don't actually have to play by the rules they don't have this making sense so that is why I was always losing arguments because yeah and he did lots of things like that and um and it was right before he proposed to me with this really fancy ring despite the fact that we agreed to never have sex with one another as long as we lived and other tales of insanity damn ah for sites his love the explode 'yes look at the explosions Jesus it's just explosions everywhere whoa like hitting me in the face now that I've shared the big story I want to point out to you that I am NOT the same eye that I was back then even after the events yet it's difficult to recount such a story without referring to yourself as I in fact I am NOT into the past at any point I only exist now these two egos on either side two years and here's the dr.
Menninger event see and and here's the the first ego and the the second one I'm not either one of them this one existed to please the others that crushed it this one was immediately programmed to do the same and then I will a hole in it I'm not any of that stuff so who blew the hole in it aha now that that is a question for my next video [Music] [Music].